Feelings From the Before Times


On two separate occasions in the past few days, I have hugged someone and realised they were hugging me harder than I was. By the time I noticed and tried to reciprocate, the moment had passed, the hug was over. 

***

I dance, I laugh, I speak, I drink. But I am stuck. I need to trick myself into feeling it all again. 

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I have a picture of his arms. In the picture he is tearing up daffodil petals and arranging them around a cup on the green floor. I am the only one who can see the movement in the picture. I like thinking about his hands.

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I am no longer worried about making a singular, lasting contribution to human knowledge. I do sometimes worry about being alone.  

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Why am I feeling so hopeful right now? Everything is so incredibly shit in the world. But I am sitting outside, a few drops of rain are falling on my laptop, and I am smiling to myself. 

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I always thought I was too much of a hypochondriac to ever start smoking again. But addiction has a way of making you forget who you are. 

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